On Selecting Flooring and Future Husbands…

Two weeks after the Condo flood, it’s time to start thinking about choosing a suitable flooring to cover my cement floors.

I didn’t think looking for flooring would be so stressful and funny. So far I have visited 7 Stores in 3 days.

Typically this is how the conversation starts off:

“Welcome, can I help you?”

“I am looking for flooring for my condo and I am looking at engineered or laminate.”

And with that the sales person shows me their samples and off I go looking for something I like.

There have been two worthy encounters to blog about with two separate sales people at two different stores that had me laughing.

Why?

Both had nothing to do with flooring and everything to do with … My future?!

Here’s for the first and funniest of the two:

“So you look like you are from Europe, what country are you from?” Inquired the middle aged sales man.

I laughed, “I am Canadian, my ancestry is from a little all over.”

That wasn’t satisfactory, “What countries?” He pried again.

“Well mainly Ireland, Scotland and Switzerland.”

He nodded and looked at me expectantly. Should I be saying something more? After a minute of awkward silence he broke down and asked, “Where do you think I am from!”

Sooo that was what this was about, him and his needs! Ah ha! I know how to handle this one I thought to myself.

“Well I am going to guess Italy?”

“That’s correct,” as he puffed up his chest as big as it would go while doing his best to stand a little taller to match my height, “I am from the North.”

“Good to know?!” I said quizzically. I wasn’t so sure what I was suppose to do with this information.

He carried on with his banter about Europe and more specifically Germany. “Have you ever been to Germany.”

“Actually yes, surprisingly, and I loved it so much I’d consider moving to Munich.”

“Really, well that should be simple”, he paused and continued with his grand plan for my future, “You need to go back to Germany, find a German man, tell him you want to move to Germany and he’ll for sure agree to marry you!”

Ummm really?! It’s THAT simple?! Has this guy been hacking my email recently because that WAS my plan!! LOL.

Fifty Shades of what?!

Fifty Shades of what?!

I know, I know. This trilogy has been beat over the head, it’s laying on the ground withering. Why oh why am I wasting time and space talking about it?

We have all heard about Fifty Shades of Grey, the trilogy. We all know someone who is raving about one or all of the books. They can’t get enough, wishes there were a fourth, fifth, sixth book…? I don’t want to pass judgement on who has/has not decided to read this trilogy and their reasoning behind their decisions but I have decided to dedicate one post on my blog to the series.

Why?

Because it keeps coming up in conversation and some of the comments I hear from women have had me bent over in laughter. Really this post is about the women I have met and their many comments.

What I find most amusing is the difficulty with which I’ve had to extract any great juicy comments from the women who really are enjoying the books. Their only comments are usually “I just can’t wait to get to the third one…โ€ Done. No descriptions. I am dying to hear something along the lines of…”I really like the part where he whips her with his belt…” but so far, I have been disappointed!

So instead I’ve had to rely on Wikipedia and the more pessimistic verbal reviews to really get an idea of what is going on in these books! I could of course just read one, but that would take all the fun and mystery out of what, I can only imagine, is a literary train wreck. ๐Ÿ™‚

For anyone who is just coming up from under a rock, the trilogy is saving Barnes and Nobles bacon and is loosely based off of the teen Twilight series. From what I’ve read on my favourite, mostly true facts website Wikipedia, the main female character sounds a little like a boring dud – but that is just my take. The male lead is an egotistical, sexually damaged man who enjoys torturing his ladies with his belt and getting them involved in BDSM – which again according to Wikipedia is a catch-all acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission and Sadomasochism.

Enough of the books and on to my, so far, favourite reviews of the book from every day women:

“If I read one more time how ‘his pants sit on his hips’, I am going to send the book through the shredder.”

“There is absolutely no imagination and tons of repetition. Does the author not have a better imagination? Granted there is S&M, but honestly watch a porno!

“It reminds me of the Emperorโ€™s New Clothes. Everyone is whispering, giggling and talking about it, so it must be good right?! Wrong!”

“I read the first book and I am stopping there. If I am going to spend my time reading a book it better be something good not a literary disaster.”

“Fifty Shades of Grey – it is Harlequin Romance on steroids gone Mad.”

“It’s a girlโ€™s version of Penthouse from the 70’s!”

“I want to give the girl a shake, doesn’t she know ‘men never change’. If he was whipping her with a belt in the first book I can’t imagine him not whipping her in the second and third book. I am done reading.”

“In my opinion, you never really know a man in the first year anyhow.”

And my all-time favourite is:

“I read the first book. On reflection, I must have had a boring life because I was never invited to orgies in my 20’s, 30’s or 40’s!”

What’s your best review?!

On Random Life Altering Events as Related to Dating

Growing up, there was no TV in our house. The New Kids On The Block music videos sounded pretty cool especially the Hanging Tough video that included lots of hanging tough arm waving but instead of learning all the dance moves, I was busy building forts in the tree tops and…reading books.

I didn’t realize how shameful and awkward this “no-TV” situation was until the first Gulf war when a grade-four friend was concerned at the lack of a TV in my family’s living room; she cornered me on the playground to debate the devastating effects of my parentโ€™s decision.

“What if the Iraqi’s invade Canada! How would your family and I get to safe hiding in time?”.

And my logical response:

a) we lived in butt-f***-nowhere and I was pretty sure the Iraqi’s didn’t care about bombing our particular remote Canadian city.

b) provided the Iraqi’s were interested in our city, I was pretty certain they wouldn’t promote their intentions through the daily news channel therefore negating the positive effects of owning a TV in the face of possible war.

c) at the end of our street, 20 feet in the air stood the remnants of a WWII air-raid siren that miraculously still worked.

d) the American’s initiated the war, not us peace-keeping Canadians who had nary a bullet in our shiny rifles, what threat were we really?!

Grade-four was equally life-altering not only because of The New Kids On The Block, the start of the first Gulf war and the poignant realization of how dangerously odd it seemed that there was no TV in our house. It was also in grade 4 that as a class we watched The Wizard Of Oz. We didn’t watch it in the comfort of our desks, instead the class gathered in the library/music room at the south end of the school. We sat on the carpeted floor staring up at a 20 inch TV sitting on a metal cart with wheels; the VCR making clicking noises and the screen flickering the entire time.

The class didn’t watch the movie in one whole sitting, it was broken down into segments.

It was during the first segment when we got to the part where the wicked witch enters the long room where she kept her multiple human heads, I’d had enough. I stood up, all my peers sitting quietly, intently watching, anticipating what was to come next. I tip-toed around my classmates sprawled on the floor and left the room.

My concerned teacher followed as any concerned teacher would do and I politely asked if I could be excused from watching the film, suggesting as an alternative that I sit in our classroom and read a book.

Yep that’s right, I wanted to read a book.

My decision to read a book in lieu of watching The Wizard Of Oz with the rest of my classmates brings us to the other fourth-grade life altering realization that didn’t include how ashamed I should feel about the lack of a TV at home.

See there was a boy who decided that he didn’t want to watch the movie either and to this day I can’t decide if he REALLY didn’t want to watch the movie or if he wanted to just sit in the same empty room as me. From grade-four until we graduated High School he was always there like a shadow when I turned around, just there, waiting for me to be nice to him for once? I promise if I bump into him I’ll apologize for a least not being nice.

My dating anxiety grew from those quiet, self-imposed, grade-four reading sessions in a mostly empty classroom. I was a worried little kid realizing for the first time that I couldn’t control which boys decided to like me and there was a possibility I might like some boys more than they liked me. Worse of all, I realized that with enough persistence it was possible that I might be able to be convinced to like someone back as much as they liked me.

Frankly, I was suppose to be the one in control, picking which boys were allowed to like me! But understanding that this was not to be the case and needing to protect my interests, by the time I graduated from High School and dragged myself to College I’d narrowed down the rules on boys and dating to one solid rule.

To sum it up, I unwittingly choose an anthem with dumb lyrics as a guide, you know the one:

Be, be aggressive
B-e, be aggressive
You never know
Just who you’re up against, so
B-e, b-e aggressive
B-e, b-e aggressive

I admit it has evolved over time, however the “be, be aggressive” lyrics did come in handy the time when my idea of short-lived longevity wasn’t exactly shared and interpreted the same way by my date and well, I got a taste of that thing called “the witness protection program” only it wasn’t the law that helped in assigning me a new identity, it was my close friends. ๐Ÿ™‚

To dating, staying safe and…in control…whatever that means LOL!!

A Man’s Attractiveness; One Woman’s Point of View

A Man’s Attractiveness;  One Woman’s Point of View

There is one activity that will win and keep a woman and it is consistency.

I have had enough arguments with the male gender on why women are so enthralled by celebrity crushes and I am here to tell you it is worse than you first thought.

You see it’s not that they live in mansions, drive fancy cars, dine at exclusive dinner clubs and travel the world at will or that they have washboard abs, killer hands, muscular legs or the ability to grow a beard. Those are nice to have’s don’t get me wrong! The real reason for these incredulous crushes comes down to one thing and that is consistency.

You can see the implications of this simple criteria?

Let me explain just to clear up any confusion.

Over the last few months I have developed THE biggest crush on the devilishly handsome Federal Express delivery man. You could say it is his swagger, his impeccable blue steel impression, his dark hair or his killer smile but I assure you, those are simply added bonuses.

What’s really attractive about this beast, who in my mind now rivals Richard Armitage for top crush, is his consistency.

Like Armitage, who in every film I’ve seen of him so far consistently does this thing with his eyes, Mr. FedEx consistently drops off express package’s to the store.

Its not that we know what day he is arriving, it is that the days he does arrive he magically appears between 9:30 am and 10 am.

Its a little like playing the lottery, you know someone might win today, someone will win, you just don’t know when.

It doesn’t even matter that his consistency depends on his employer or his most important need, his pay check.

So you see gentlemen, it isn’t just the silver screen you need to concern yourself with in the quest to win a heart, its much more immediate. It is those men who are being consistently consistent in real-life!

The only option then if you are on a quest for a woman to develop an incredulous crush on you, pick something you do well, do it consistently and keep surprising her! You can’t imagine what you’ll get in return, hey, she might even faint for you. What man doesn’t want a woman fainting over his manny-ly-ness!!

For me, I am going to continue to enjoy my FedEx crush from behind the stack of merchandising, at a safe distance ๐Ÿ™‚

On Dating and staying Attractive – article

On Dating and staying <i>Attractive</i> – article


I tried this experiment in real life and it WORKS, if you stop looking after yourself, you will get dumped ๐Ÿ™‚ LOL

Male bird loses interest in fading females, study finds

(AFP) โ€“ 1 day ago

PARIS โ€” Not unlike some among their human counterparts, male blue tits lose interest when their mates’ beauty starts fading, staying out longer and neglecting their offspring, a report said Monday.

Scientists who dulled the bright blue head tinge that crowns the female of the species, subsequently noticed the males skulking off for more alone time and making fewer trips to feed their chicks.

“It seems that they stay around, but not in the nest,” study co-author Matteo Griggio told AFP.

“Probably they take a rest…. It is not a joke, probably they keep some energy, maybe for the next breeding season?”

Both male and female blue tits, which usually have several mating partners in a lifetime, have feathers on the tops of their heads that reflect UV light.

For the purposes of the experiment, the team from the Konrad Lorenz Institute of Ethology in Vienna waited for chicks to hatch before smearing an oil containing UV-blocking chemicals on the crowns of the females.

To confirm that it would not be the smell that put off the males, they applied the same oil, without UV-blockers, to a separate test group of females.

The scientists said they took care not to render the partners unrecognisable to each other.

“The UV reflectance of the crown plumage of female blue tits significantly affected male investment in feeding nestlings,” the team wrote in a study published in the BioMed Central journal Frontiers in Zoology.

“Males made less frequent feeding trips when paired with UV-reduced females.”

While much has been written about male posturing and strutting to compete for female attention, this was a rare study to measure male response to female attractiveness in the animal kingdom.

The results showed that female blue tits must invest a lot of time in preening to remain attractive as sexual partners.

In nature, those birds with poorer personal hygiene risk losing their blue lustre under a coating of dust, pollution or parasites.

Will you be my Boyfriend!

This Justin Bieber Boyfriend Parody is way too funny not to share! I wish I could pick a favourite part of this video … but I can’t!!!

Ms. Speculation, tell me this doesn’t remind you of the “love potion/frog” dating kit you bought me years ago as a joke! ๐Ÿ™‚ I apologize profusely for the mention of an inside joke directly on my blog! But that is right, a good friend gifted me THE funniest Dating/Magic Potion Dating remedy kit EVER in order to solve a “Will you be my Girlfriend!” sticky situation.

We all have a dating story and it’s NOT fun being in any type of stalking/crazy relationship.

Watch, laugh and stay safe! ๐Ÿ™‚

Sex and Dating Guide for Idiot Girls

This is a completely inappropriate post BUT hear me out.

The other day I was ready to clock a 19-something year old girl upside the head. I couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth. Instead of resorting to the physical admonishment (again not a word), I took a deep breath, counted to 10 and changed the subject.

As much as I dislike settling, I am settling for this rant on my blog.

Girls there are rules. I know its fun to pretend they don’t exist and the older you get the more frustrating these rules become but they are super important for self-worth, self-preservation and above all self-love.

We all go through our own journey that shapes us into who we are. I doubt there is one story that is alike.

Here are the rules and I publish these rules on the authority of stories that have been shared with me by friends and acquaintances and splattered with some of my own advice. You may not agree with everything and that’s ok – I welcome some good banter on the subject:

1. Have a solid group of Girl Friends who are YOUR friends. These do not come a dime a dozen and are sometimes hard to find but this is your number one priority. If you can’t find one in your age group, find someone older who you can trust. Girl Friends are your most valuable asset, they will catch you when you fall and cheer you on to the finish.

2. The booty call is NOT your boyfriend. Let me repeat myself, casual sex is not your boyfriend. Stop calling him that, stop confusing yourself. Recognize what is a booty call and if you can’t figure it out ask your Girl Friend and be prepared to be wrong.

3. If you are booty calling (which I highly discourage) don’t be stupid, wear a CONDOM. And if you don’t, be prepared for the aftermath.

4. If you start feeling emotional attachment to your booty call, cut it off. Seriously ladies, you’ll spend years licking your sore wounds instead of living. Sex is not THAT special.

5. If you are faking orgasms regularly and are with someone you care about see a psychologists and/or your medical doctor, there is no shame in getting to know yourself.

6. I am no doctor but if it isn’t pleasurable it is possible that you are “not that into him”. That’s right ladies, it is possible to not be that into a guy especially if you didn’t take the time to get to know him and connect with him. Maybe he’s all sorts of wonderful but if that emotional connection is not there…good luck to you. I am pretty sure this is standard, men are highly visual, women are highly emotional (I know it sucks). But when you have a strong physical (for him) and emotional (for you) connection, there are no limits and it will be the best thing in the world.

7. Get to know yourself first. Its fun being in a relationship. Those first three months is like being on an extended vacation in the sunshine (or whatever your fantasy is). Then reality sets in, you’ve just invested 3 months into someone and you aren’t so sure anymore. When you know yourself you’ll learn not to give everything you’ve got at the beginning. You’ll learn to temper, to wait and to give what you’d give to any new stranger you might meet. You’ll look for how he responds to you on the things you do decide to share and you’ll make a decision on if you feel safe. Save the best of you for when you know your heart and head are at the same spot. If he doesn’t like your street personality, why the hell bother showing him what is behind the curtain. Its not a game and you could say you are protecting your assets and that is ok. That is what dating is for, you give a little, take a little and then you go skinny dipping and its a blast! Stop skinny dipping the first time you meet – where is the fun in that? We are all more complicated and interesting, let’s embrace it, let’s discover who we are!

8. Be yourself.

9. This one is the same as 7 sort of but I just need to hammer it home. Understand why you want a relationship with a guy. What is it that you feel is missing that this relationship is going to help you find. If it is going to help you find yourself don’t waste yours or his time and stay single and learn about yourself. Figure yourself out first. Being in a relationship should be about being with a best friend not a prize or a possession or social status. I know the stigma around being “single”, “unmarried” and “childless” as a 30-something single and why does anyone care?! Its ok not to conform to society in every shape and form. It is better to be healthy and single than toting a badge of married in a loveless relationship, seriously where is the fun in that?

10. I feel like I should have a tenth haha, but I think I got everything out that I wanted to say to my 19-something year-old. But I suppose I am missing one. Be honest with yourself. It is no fun hurting someone just because you weren’t woman enough to accept something about yourself. It goes back to know who you are and why you are out there wanting to be with someone. This is life, not a board game, not a reality TV special and most decisions we make will affect somebody in one shape or form. Let’s do our best to make it positive and stay happy and healthy – this world doesn’t need any more pain.

Ladies feel free to add anything I might have missed and guys, what’s your take?